I see only you
by Daiin
Summary: Set during the epilogue of the manga. Touya made a promise to himself, and intends to keep it. Attempts to explain the closeness of the pair in the Young Lion's Tournament.


**Story is set in the epilogue of the manga (the very last part of volume 23, after the Hokuto Cup, before The Young Lion's Tournament), directly after Shindou arrives at Touya's Go salon to play. It's about a promise Touya made to himself, as is attempting to explain why Shindou is so calm during the Young Lion's Tournament, and why Touya is looking at him so openly.**

**To all Hikaru no Go fanfic-writers: I play Go myself, so if you have any questions regarding the game for your stories, feel free to contact me. It's very difficult to write a believable story about professional Go players if your understanding of the game is limited. I'm more than willing to help out.  
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**I see only you  
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The Go salon was silent. When Shindou had showed up to play a practice game before the Young Lion's Tournament, his intensity had been enough for everyone to leave them alone. Touya had been tense, but despite this he accepted the challenge and led the way to a table and they sat down to play.

Unlike their first game, this one progressed slowly. It was impossible to say who was winning, none of them gained momentum over the other. Then yose closed as slowly, and Touya looked at the board with a blank expression on his face. Shindou's heart had quickened, because if he had counted correctly – this game was, finally, a win.

"Let's count," he said, and started moving the stones. Touya was a bit slow, but he finally helped out. As the score was counted, Shindou almost burst out laughing with joy as he realised he had indeed won – just by half a moku, but it was a win. Touya leaned back in his chair, a small smile on his lips as he stared at the board. "I win," Shindou smiled brightly, and was a bit put off when Touya didn't even look up. "What's wrong? Can't you be happy for me?" he asked, feeling a bit disappointed that Touya didn't seem to appreciate losing to him. He'd expected him to be more graceful about it.

"I am," Touya said slowly. "You caught up. I couldn't be happier," he said faintly, but he didn't sound happy. Shindou looked at him, suddenly feeling worried and slightly annoyed.

"Then what's wrong?" he said quietly. Touya licked his lips, a gesture that seemed strange on him. His eyes flitted briefly down to the floor, which was alarming enough.

"I promised myself that the day you won I'd...do something," he finally said, his voice silent. "I'm simply trying to gather myself enough to go through with it." Shindou gazed at him, wondering what this 'something' was. It was worrying. "I've been pushing it in front of me for so long." Touya sighed and got up, and walked around the table to look down on Shindou. "I just want you to know how I feel. That's all," he whispered.

Shindou looked up on him, meeting those black eyes. Touya looked nervous and a bit scared.

"What..."he started, but quieted as Touya leaned forward, putting one hand against the arm rest of his chair. He drew a sharp breath as Touya moved closer, and a hand touched his cheek, holding him still. He could pull away. He could push him away. But he didn't. Touya hesitated as their faces were really close, giving him ample of time to protest but all he could do was swallow nervously. Then, Touya's lips met his in a quiet, gentle kiss.

It was over quickly, just a slight, soft pressure of lips against lips, and Touya moved back again. He backed away, and sunk back on his chair, his cheeks pink. There was a stunned silence in the Go salon, and everyone was staring at them. Ichikawa dropped the tray she'd been holding, and the contents on it clattered to the floor. Touya's blush deepened, and Shindou stared at him, his heart beating fast. Then, his hand came up to touch his lips.

Touya had kissed him. You didn't just kiss someone unless... He swallowed. Shindou had wanted Touya's acknowledgement, and to receive his feelings in the shape of a kiss – something that must have taken all Touya's courage to do – was, somehow, the ultimate form of acknowledgement... That, and a silent promise that Touya's eyes would always be on him. The knowledge filled him up with so much peace and happiness, and he looked at Touya, his heart filled with tenderness for his friend.

"Thank you," he said softly, and Touya's eyes widened. He looked up with a startled expression, as if a 'thank you' was the last thing he'd expected. Shindou smiled brightly at him, and Touya's tense posture relaxed and his expression softened.

"No, I'm the one who should thank you," he said quietly with a small smile. "For everything, and..."he paused, looking very happy. "For accepting my feelings. I didn't think you would."

Shindou sighed softly and got up, startling Touya. His smile disappeared and he looked at him in fear. Then, Shindou held out his hand, and Touya stared at it for a moment before he hesitatingly took it. Blushing deeply, he let himself be pulled to his feet, and be led by the hand towards the door. Ichikawa gave them an anxious look, but Touya avoided looking at her. The Go salon was dead still. Nobody moved or said anything. They had still not recovered from the shock of the kiss, and now this.

"We're just going out a little," Shindou said as they passed Ichikawa, and she opened her mouth to speak. "We'll be back."

He led Touya outside in the summer evening, and he followed without objection or questions. Hand in hand, they walked through the streets and down to the nearby park, where Shindou chose a secluded spot before he stopped and turned to Touya.

"This is..."Touya glanced about at the flowery bushes. "...you wanted to take me here?" he asked, sounding confused.

"Yeah, it's a better place to talk," Shindou said softly, rubbing his thumb over Touya's knuckles. Touya held his hand in a firm grip. His hand was cold.

"Yes. You are right," Touya agreed, looking down at their joined hands with an uncertain expression.

"That was my first kiss," Shindou said, causing colour to flare into Touya's cheeks once more.

"Mine as well," he said, his voice very quiet. Shindou looked up at the sky with a dreamy expression on his face, smiling.

"I always wanted you to look at me," he said gently. "Me and not Sai." Touya swallowed and looked up, very self-consciously but he didn't speak nor pull away. "You said to me that there are two people inside of me," Shindou continued, and Touya's eyes widened.

"...a-are you going to tell me...?"he breathed, and Shindou looked at him, smiling.

"You told me something important," he said softly, and reached out to briefly touch Touya's lips. His friend shuddered. "I owe you this. I want you to look at me, and only me." Touya licked his lips, the hand holding Shindou's quivering.

"I..."he averted his eyes. "You...confused me, and I still don't understand, but... I do look at you. Only you," he said, the words awkward and hesitant.

"I don't have a split personality, though. You got that bit wrong," Shindou said gently, still smiling. Touya stirred nervously, but he didn't look up. "Sai's full name was Fujiwara no Sai. He lived a thousand years ago." Touya finally lifted his face, his eyes wide.

"...Fujiwara...?" he whispered and Shindou nodded.

"Touya. Sai was a ghost only I could see. He was my sensei, he taught me to play. He's no longer here though...he passed on, but..."Shindou held up his hand, melancholy washing over him. He still missed Sai. "Sai exists within my Go. I'm his legacy, his only student. I'm the only proof he existed at all."

"...a ghost," Touya said slowly. He was accepting the explanation a lot easier than Shindou had expected him to. "But... What does Shusaku have to do with this...? I-I mean...I noticed some of Shusaku's old tactics, but..."

"Yes, that's true. Torajiro was the first person who could see Sai," Shindou explained. "But in contrary to me, Torajiro let Sai play all his games. The records left of Shusaku was not him playing, but Sai. I think..."he drew his hand through his hair. "I think Sai had to pass his legacy on to be able to move on. That's why he couldn't rest when Torajiro died."

"Torajiro..."Touya said slowly, and Shindou realised his mistake. "Was that Shusaku's real name?"

"Yes, sorry," Shindou made a small face. "I'm so used to calling him Torajiro I forget not many know of it. I didn't let Sai play all my games...because...I wanted to be good enough for you, by myself..."

For what felt like minutes, Touya said nothing. He stood there with his eyes glazed over, his mind somewhere far away.

"I looked at you," he then finally said, startling Shindou. "It wasn't Sai, I..."he paused, and bit his lip. "It was you. I understand what you mean by wanting to be good enough for me... I felt that way, too, when I was confusing you with Sai. But... When we played...when we finally got to play again, it wasn't Sai that was on my mind. It was you... It was _your_ ability I was concerned with, from the moment I learned you were an insei...not Sai... Sai was the mystery, and you," his voice was distant, as if he was thinking out loud, but at the last part he looked up, his eyes meeting Shindou's. "You were the rival. I only...only ever looked at you..."

Shindou gazed back at him, for some reason feeling unreasonably happy. He looked down on their joined hands, thinking about the kiss back at the Go salon. He understood... To be fascinated with a Go player's strength, and to find a person you fell in love with, were very different things. He smiled softly to himself and stepped in so close to Touya that they were touching. He could feel the tremors that went through him, but Touya didn't back away, didn't object. He just looked at Shindou with a worried and rather helpless look on his face, his obsidian eyes like mirrors. Then, Shindou reached up and touched his chin, and he gasped, eyes wide.

"Sh-Shindou, what are you um-" his words were cut off as Shindou kissed him. He let out a tiny, surprised whimper against his lips, then stilled. As Shindou pulled back, he looked dazed.

"It's forever," Shindou said and Touya inhaled sharply as if he'd forgotten to breathe.

"Yes...it is..."he agreed faintly, sounding very confused. "Shindou..."he then said, looking at him with tension in his face. Shindou could feel it in his body as well. "You do understand that I...have feelings for you, do you?"

"Of course I do," Shindou said softly, it had been plain. He knew.

"Then...why did you..."he fell silent, touching his lips with his free hand, his eyes blanking out slightly.

"It's not okay...?"Shindou frowned, suddenly feeling very worried he'd done something wrong. Touya blushed instantly, and shook his head. He lowered his face until his bangs hid his eyes.

"No, it's okay," he mumbled, clearly embarrassed. "But..."

"If you don't want me to, just say so," Shindou said gently. "But if you want it, I don't mind... You wouldn't have kissed me unless you asked for more, and I'm willing to give it to you. I want you to know it's fine... Just because it's you, I can..."Touya was visibly shaken by his words, and he lifted a trembling hand to his face.

"I...didn't have a plan," he breathed. "But I..."he exhaled shakily, trying to gather his thoughts. "Yes...I want more..."he whispered, sounding as if the need itself frightened him.

"Then it's fine," Shindou said tenderly, taking Touya's other hand in his, lacing their fingers together. "You just have to ask. It's all right."

They stood silently holding hands for a long while, until Touya was the one who released himself. Shindou looked at him, wondering silently what he was thinking, when Touya lifted his arms with a determined, shy look on his face and slipped them around his neck. The hug was gentle and Shindou answered it without having to think about it. His arms went around Touya's body, holding him securely. It struck him how cold Touya was despite the summer heat, and how thin he was.

"Thank you," Touya whispered in his ear, sounding very happy. Shindou hugged him tighter briefly, drawing a small gasp from his lips before he loosened his grip again. It seemed to be enough. After a while, Touya reluctantly let go, shivering as if cold.

"We should go back," he said softly.

"Yeah," Shindou smiled, and wrapped his fingers around Touya's hand. "You're cold."

"...a little bit, yes," Touya said silently, not minding to hold his hand again. He followed silently, his grip firm.

As they got back to the Go salon, an awkward silence fell. Ichikawa gave them a nervous smile.

"Do you want coffee? I'll make you some," she said quickly, not waiting for an answer. Shindou glanced back at Touya, who for some reason had a very serene smile as he looked after her. He didn't seem bothered by the reaction from the customers at all.

They went back to their table, where the stones lay untouched, and started recreating their earlier game to discuss it. Ichikawa came over and put their coffee cups down, her hand shaking a bit.

"Did you talk?" she said softly, looking rather worried.

"Yes. It's all fine now," Touya gave her a smile. "No need to worry."

"If you say so, Akira-kun," she sighed, relaxing a bit. "I'm sorry. I've known you since you were little and I..."she smiled ruefully. "You aren't a child anymore."¨

"No," Touya agreed, running his finger along the rim of the coffee cup. "I'm not." He smiled tenderly if a bit distant, then looked up on Shindou. "Things are changing. It's as inevitable as the flow of time. That, and... This...was also inevitable."

"Yeah," Shindou smiled, touching his hand lightly, and Touya curled his fingers around his. "It was."


End file.
